what makes a house a home a home a house a home
by somdy
Thursday January 25, 2024 12:18
My heart hurts. I am so tired of everything.
I decided to start this because ultimately, I just feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel unheard. And so I create a space in which I can speak and say the things I don't even tell the people closest to me.
I guess to start, I'll introduce myself. I'm Somdy (she/her). I am one of several alters in the [redacted] system, which I will refer to as The Cluster. I was formed 3 years ago around our 22nd birthday from an abusive relationship, and I am the trauma holder from that time. No one else really remembers what happened then. I try not to, but I don't do well on that front. I'm frozen in time, forever 21 (haha).
everything is so unfair i hate that i was born from that kind of pain i hate that i'm blamed for it all i hate that 3 years later they can still find me even tho i blocked them everywhere and that they have the ability to demand "accountability" while i just panic at even the sound of their name and that my reaction is just to fawn and say "oh you're right you're right i'm wrong i'm so sorry i'm--"
I'm so, so sorry.
Anyway. I guess I will dedicate this blog to our friend Mouse, who has been writing a blog for almost a year now. I really enjoy it. Also, it's funny, because our host is Nuu, which means "mouse" or "rat." We are not cousins by blood but we are cousins in soul:
I dreamed about you. I keep dreaming about you. And it's all the more painful because we just talk the entire time, the way we used to when we lived together. The dreamscapes are weird, of course, but they're definitely influenced by the reality: we live under an aquarium together because we used to watch aquarium videos to regulate; we share a small room in my childhood home duplicated and stacked upon each other because I've always felt unsettled in apartment buildings because of the agoraphobia/anxiety but you made that apartment feel like home... things of that nature.
I guess it's painful that you left when you were the main thing that kept me feeling so safe. Which isn't fair. But I guess it's even more painful that once you left, you never really felt to me safe again.
Here is me screaming into the void.