recovering
by somdy
Monday March 25, 2024 21:30
Gianna Meola on twitter
It's been a while. The body has been in a lot of pain, and we've spent the last month recovering. or. it feels like we've lost the last month to pain and fatigue and brain fog. On the days we have more pain, we dissociate more, which means that time is just lost to us.
It feels like everything has been put on pause for 2 months, which is really frustrating. We were working so hard in January. We joined 3 game jams. But then at the end of January/beginning of February, we weren't able to keep up with the pace we set, and we didn't listen to it because we were trying to build to more. So maybe it was because we were pushing so hard that we ended up like that.
I still don't know what the issue is. We went to urgent care, who sent us to the ER on our birthday, and the doctor was no help. We finally have an appointment with a new provider this week, but it will probably be more of a trust building and ordering tests kind of deal. Hopefully that doctor listens to us.
doctors are cops. and all cops are bastards
I've been really struggling trying to figure out where to work because as I've been bedbound and unable to sit up I had to deconstruct a lot of ideas around productivity and worth, which led me to just thinking about how exploitative capitalism and work are. I don't want to work. I just want to do things that I find meaningful. But. I need wages. I was thinking about doing art commissions or selling crochet, but I think monetizing what keeps me alive right now would put me in a precarious place. I would eventually resent it, and then what would I be left with? So now I'm thinking maybe I just find a part time job or two that I'm capable of doing and hopefully have the energy to do what I want later on.
I'm dreaming about making music. I've been planning for maybe a month-ish now a webcomic that I want to start working on soon to hopefully put out biweekly starting sometime next month. I want to make captions for youtube videos (I have a youtuber friend, and have been reallyyyy slowlyyyy transcribing a 50 minute video. Of course I chose the longest thing to start with lol). I want to make a bunch of crochet projects. I want to learn how to naturally dye (I've saved a bunch of onion skins). I want to learn to sew... It just scares me that I don't have much energy most of the time. Working even part time can wipe me out, but I miss that kind of structure.
I found a grocery job that pays just as well as my last job, where I was a coordinator. It would be in the early hours of the morning before store hours so hopefully no customer service, and requires making food, like the lunches and sushi that grocery stores sell. Honestly. I have a good feeling about it. I'm someone who can put all my eggs in one basket, like I did that with college applications lol, but the thing is I got it! I haven't had a feeling like this since my last job so... I'm wondering if that's a good sign. I think I need to be careful and have backups, and I'm nervous I'll wipe myself out, especially because I need to sit frequently. My partner said I just need some radical honesty with a manager, but... idk AHH.
Ok. I think I feel good about it though. I mostly wanted to write this all out to make sure I'm thinking soundly. And it seems like it. Also like a temperature check I guess for what I want to do. I want that job.
Ok!! It's decided. I will apply.
I'm starting to feel optimistic about life again.