i know i can't tolerate it here anymore. i can't interact with my roommates. i often sit on the ground by my door begging myself to leave my room for hours but the fear of seeing one of my roommates just keeps me sitting there, starving. i can only shower once a week at most, and usually only when it's unbearable for me to smell myself because it feels so dangerously vulnerable to be naked in the only bathroom between at least 3 people. sometimes when they have a guest over i can't leave my room until 11pm, when everyone goes to their rooms. and it's horrible. it's fucking horrible.
the response i get is always some version of "just fucking deal with it" or, from my partner they just said they can't hear about my roommate drama anymore. and that's what it is, huh? everyone just sees me as a dramatic little bitch.
and when i kill myself, i know what will happen so clearly. everyone will crawl out of the woodwork and be sad and act like they didn't know how bad it was. i've been obvious and vocal about it for 10 fucking years. no one can say they didn't know. and no one who didn't try to help me can say they miss me when i'm gone. why didn't they reach out.
i will regret my mom losing a child, because i know very well what she's like when someone close to her dies. i've helped her through it before. and that might make it worse if i can't support her through my death. i will regret my sister losing her sibling. we did a lot together. but it takes me a lot of work to try to stay close to her when we have grown into very different people.
and i will regret my partner's future changing in an instant. i think everything would pain them going forward because we have shared everything. there's nothing i can do about that.
for everyone else, oh well.
i'm going to go for a drive, even if i have to crawl to my car - my body is very weak and pained today. maybe i won't crash it and will live another day.
i don't have anything to look forward to.