still here (broken parts club)
by nuu
Friday January 26, 2024 06:11
I don't know if anyone's paying attention here, but we're okay. We went for a drive, like we usually do when things are too much to handle. We drove for 3 hours through a bunch of the neighboring towns and almost got stranded an hour away because we were almost out of gas and couldn't find a pump that was still open at 2am. And then after going to maybe 3 or 4 or 5 gas stations, we found one and put in 5 dollars, just to make it back and have enough for my roommates and I to get groceries today, but also to still have money for groceries lol. I guess that's part of the adventure.
It's starting to be very clear to me when we switch now. It wasn't for a while, but I've been trying to pay attention more to the emotions and the way we talk about things. Somdy is often in a panic, but more of a shut down. Panda panics in a self destructive way. So the two of them together tend to pull away from people entirely, like full isolation mode. (I think there was also a third person, someone very angry. I was not allowed to experience anger for lot of my life though, so I have not really met this part yet. I'm not even sure their name, but I want to say it's Mai. I will come back and correct this later if I'm wrong. Anyway...) Somdy and Panda are both wary of (my? our?) partner, who I'll call A. Usually my sign of panic is that we see A as not trustworthy or dangerous. We're scared of most people, but we can't really help that. It's pretty frequent due to the PTSD. But I'm starting to think maybe not all of us need to have a relationship with A. Somdy and Panda don't necessarily have one. They came about before we met A, and are still kind of frozen in their times, when we were in actively harmful relationships. They don't really come out when we're near A because they usually step back to let me be present with them. They do appear when they feel like we're in danger though.
It used to really scare me, especially when I thought I was feeling distrusting or unsafe near them, because it's hard to tell our feelings and thoughts apart sometimes, especially when we co-front. But I've come to appreciate the wariness Somdy and Panda (and the others) have. It gives me a chance to evaluate A's behavior again and reaffirm that I actually can and do trust them. It's always reassuring that I have evidence I can trust them - and a lot of it.
I've been considering showing them this website. I like to share everything I do with them, especially if it's art related. This definitely feels art related. Especially because I originally planned to use neocities to make a portfolio website lol. This is a side project, practice kind of thing. More expressive. Which feels like I SHOULD share with them.
Ah. I try to catch myself on "shoulds." I am always scared to "get in trouble" from my partners, especially if I'm hiding things from them, so that might be where this "should" is coming from. And A even clocked that fear early on in knowing each other, they told me, "you aren't in trouble. You can't be in trouble with me because we're equals."
Breaking it down further though, I think I do want to share this with them. Especially because I haven't really introduced them to the other parts that live in my head with me. I've mentioned them maybe, but not really by name, and maybe not even that specifically. Maybe I jokingly or seriously called them "the voices" because that's vague but also more normalized than "multiple personalities." I just get scared that we're a lot, especially mostly unfiltered like this. Especially because it's probably scary to hear your partner say they've had thoughts of breaking up with you. Even if you know it's other parts it's still part of them.
I don't think it would scare A off. They've already seen a lot of the effects of trauma. I mean. Hell, they've had to deal with them. I've definitely turned on them at times. They're still here.
We had a tough time about a month and a half ago when they had an important event. Both of us had finished our semesters the day before, and I was partially moving in day of. I didn't let them know I needed help attending the event because I thought it was kinder to let their day be about them without me "in the way," so I showed up with about 20 minutes left after trying to calm myself down from an anxiety + PTSD + agoraphobia mega panic combo, but they said they would have done anything to have me there. And it was a tough conversation. We sat in tense silence for a lot of it. We both cried, I verbally shut down and was wrestling with a lot of SI and self destructiveness and even left the conversation at some point to sit down on the grass a block away for a bit before coming back.
Just...I dunno, point of that is, as messy as it may be, we get through together. As much as I feel like I'm fighting battles inside my head with myself (and my selves) every day, as long as I show up, it seems like it's worth it for them. That's sometimes scarier to think about than the people who treated us like shit. Because being treated like shit makes more sense to us, it's what we know.
I think it's scary to face the fact that there are people who love us, even considering the things we think make us unloveable. If I step back, I can think about how much we love monsters and love them not despite of the things that make them "monstrous" but including those. I guess we feel we're monstrous, or maybe worse than monsters somehow. We're not, we're just human. We're broken in many ways, and I won't say that makes us beautiful, because I will never be grateful for the trauma that caused it. But I love us all the same. (It's taken me a long time to be able to say that, and I am proud.)
And the scarier part, that I've been trying to sit with is they said what affected them the most was feeling like I don't trust them to help me after 3 years. I was sure I did, but after thinking for a month and a half... after starting this website without letting them know, and considering that I keep my alters mostly secret, I realized I never allow myself to fully trust anyone, and parts of me didn't trust them. My therapist says it's not the end goal to fully trust everyone, but I think it's safe to trust A. And even safe enough for my most vulnerable, traumatized, and distrusting parts. Part of it was definitely shame, but I think there's something to be said about trusting someone to warmly receive the parts of you that you're ashamed of, and for them to love them in ways you might not be able to.
I have not been open to receiving love... but I really want to try.