blog post February 13, 2024

chạy ngay đi

by somdy

Tuesday February 13, 2024 05:18

Chạy Ngay Đi Music Video by Sơn Tùng M-TP

TW childhood trauma, pet death, SA, toxic relationships

i'm definitely doing some rough inner child healing stuff rn. it's a bit overwhelming. ok so like, i'm watching mommy & me vietnamese ep 2 and i get to the part where they have a group of kids singing the tones. and then i started fucking crying lol. i had to stop the episode and im just listening to all my liked songs on shuffle just to bury the voices yanno? but i saw myself in those kids. i saw my mom in those kids. but mostly i saw what we could have had in those kids. my mom could have been allowed to be a child if not for boon. i could have had access to our languages if not for dave. shitty fathers i guess.

i've been really facing especially the fear of taking up space in my apartment. i am so subconsciously terrified of making noise, leaving mess - leaving any trace that i am alive in live in this apartment to my roommates, really. i've been pushing past it, like i dont want to be loud for my roommates when im up doing nocturnal activities because they work during the day. of course. but one of them said the sign of my existence is that the when they come out to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, they can smell faintly something toasty, from when i was making quesadillas. ive been making a lot of quesadillas. it was one of the only things i knew how to cook when i was younger and i guess ive been returning.

im not in therapy right now. i cant afford it. my parents probably can for me but my dad doesnt help me at all. and my mom keeps telling only me about her money problems. so im the only one who really has to sacrifice anything to help. and so yeah cut that $300 a month, right. ~~my sanity is suffering.~~

i caught myself floating yesterday, like this strong sense that my head or my consciousness or something was floating. someone once told me they felt untethered and i thought they meant just because they were in between living situations and didn't have somewhere to anchor, but. i wonder if this is what they felt.

6 years ago, i made a list of warning signs with another therapist. like. a list of things that if i notice them happening, i need to reach out for help. i'm having all the ones i remember right now, but worse than then lol. i'm staying up late (literally all night, im going to bed around 1pm right now), struggling with hygeine (literally cant remember the last time i washed my face or showered. my skin gets itchy after a week without, it's especially itchy right now), i'm isolated from my friends (to be fair, some of it is that i'm one of very few people i know who are still taking covid precautions and because my roommates and i are all disabled we're really cautious), i'm not interested in most things i used to enjoy, haven't done as much art as i need to keep myself sane, and... yeah i dunno. that's all i remember. the only thing is i AM eating. which is huge for me. i struggle with eating enough even when im doing pretty well. i've been listening to the inner child more and taking time to cook whatever they're craving. right now it's mostly ridiculously spicy jeow mak len on top of quesadilla lol

i try not to think too much about why im so afraid to be loud or take up space. i walk so quietly i scare my roommates and they joke about me wearing a bell. i kind of think i would like a bell tho. i used to pretend to be a cat. i loved cats so much and always had dogs. i also always ended up with much more dog responsibility than was agreed upon, and... ok lol my timelines are blending and crossing over themselves now, but when i was on medical leave i was solely responsible for the dogs and had to take long walks in the cold while i was recovering from pneumonia lol. i remember being alone with my dog as he was sick and dying. i cleaned the barf and the shit. i changed his diapers. i held him in bed after he wasn't even allowed upstairs for 15 years of his life. after my dad kept him locked in the basement for 3 years and would only allow us to have a couple hours with him in the main living space each day. at least he was able to have it at some point.

when we had to put him down because he was in too much pain and losing too much neurological function, my sister asked to hold him but panicked when he went limp. my mom tried to grab him but couldn't grab him and panicked feeling him that way. i buried everything down and picked him up for them.

i think i lost a lot of my memories and emotions that day.

this song just started playing. i take it out of my liked songs a lot and inevitably put it back in. this is my trauma song for lack of a better word.

it came out the summer before my dog got sick, just after i was cleared from my medical leave that i took because of ptsd/a weakened immune system that made me catch everything that passed thorugh the dorms and got pneumonia. i was cleared to return to the fancy uni i was going to and spent the entire summer in full dread of returning, and would later decide to drop out instead and my parents would tell me they had to mourn that like they lost a child and i would have to watch them grieve me in front of me despite me making the best choice to keep myself alive. i spent a lot of the little energy i had this medical leave on art and learning vietnamese, and this was one of the songs i found and. there's a trend on tiktok right now where people say "pov your card declined in therapy" and then they say something that would set their progress back to basically undo the session they just had. it's not that this undoes my progress, it just kind of freezes me in place and makes me remember. so. ig it'd be more pov you can only pay for half of the session so after the first 30 min, your therapist plays this song and makes you dissect the lyrics. which i will do right now because i just remembered i wanted to make a music video out of it when i was first learning 3d art, and now that i know more and can rig and animate and i want to make music, maybe i just fucking do a cover and animate a music video. what if?

actually no, i called this a trauma song. this is my rage song. i always interpreted the chorus as me from the future trying to warn my past self about a relationship that was going to get harmful to me, and telling myself "chạy ngay đi, trước khi mọi điều dần tối tệ hơn" or "run away now before things get worse." ...and the "worse" being the later part of the song where they repeat "bốc cháy lên cơn hận thù trong anh" or "let it burn, the grudge inside me" where all the anger and resentment i've bottled up explodes out of me.

Verse 1 pt 1 Viet
Từng phút cứ mãi trôi xa phai nhòa dần kí ức giữa đôi ta
Từng chút nỗi nhớ hôm qua đâu về lạc bước cứ thế phôi pha
Con tim giờ không cùng chung đôi nhịp
Nụ cười lạnh băng còn đâu nồng ấm thân quen
Vô tâm làm ngơ thờ ơ tương lai ai ngờ
Quên đi mộng mơ ngày thơ tan theo sương mờ

Verse 1 pt 1, Eng
Our memories are fading as the time passes
Bit by bit, the longing from yesterday vanishes
Our hearts no longer share the same beat
Your warm smile now feels like ice
Your cold heart did not expect this ending
Our dreamer days are fainting away

Verse 1 pt 1, interpretation
this part felt like when i was falling out of love with the people who hurt me, whether through SA, toxicity, whatever. but it always felt like i was in the wrong or misinterpreted somehow. i would always try to maintain the peace of the relationship but would start losing myself and just constantly dissociating. my dissociation usually feels like i'm a ghost or the rest of the world is a simulation i'm trapped in and will fall out from under me if i'm not careful, or that time has slowed down but for just me and im moving in slow motion while everyone else is unaffected

Verse 1 pt 2 Viet
Mưa lặng thầm đường vắng chiều nay
In giọt lệ nhòe khóe mắt sầu cay
Bao hẹn thề tàn úa vụt bay
Trôi dạt chìm vào những giấc nồng say
Quay lưng chia hai lối, còn một mình anh thôi
Giả dối bao trùm bỗng chốc lên ngôi
Trong đêm tối bầu bạn cùng đơn côi
Suy tư anh kìm nén đã bốc cháy yêu thương trao em rồi

Verse 1 pt 2 Eng
Rain falls silently on the empty streets
Like this tear in my eye
Our promises disappeared with time
I got drunk on these dreams
Turning around as we parted ways
I find myself without you
Your lies flood over me
In this darkness
I'm all by myself
All these thoughts I bottled up has burned away this love for you

Verse 1 pt 2 interpretation
this is the realization phase, where i take stock of the things that felt bad in that relationship and realize oh! actuallly none of that was ok! and i just let it happen! and having to process that trauma, the sadness of the relationship ending, my fear of the person, and my anger at myself

Refrain Viet
Đốt sạch hết
Son môi hồng vương trên môi bấy lâu
Hương thơm dịu êm mê man bấy lâu (đốt sạch hết)
Anh không chờ mong quan tâm nữa đâu
Tương lai từ giờ như bức tranh em quên tô màu (đốt sạch hết)
Xin chôn vùi tên em trong đớn đau
Nơi hiu quạnh tan hoang ngàn nỗi đau (đốt sạch hết)
Dư âm tàn tro vô vọng phía sau
Đua chen dày vò xâu xé quanh thân xác nát nhàu

Refrain Eng
Burn it all
Those soft lips that used to be on mine
The lingering scent that got me drunk all this time
I won't wait, I won't care anymore
Our future is like the painting you left undone
Burn it all
I'll bury your name deep in this sorrow
Wrecked by loneliness and countless pains
All that is left is the echo of the past
Clawing and tearing me apart

-- oop ok haha. i just caught myself after sliding into that for like 2.5 hours... i listened to that over and over and acted it out a few times and made myself cry. i at least wrote some notes on what i'd like to do for a music video. but oof. i'm exhausted.

i'm a little embarassed because i started off the night wanting to do art and i started a blockout for an environment concept but didnt get very far. it's ok tho ig. anyway.