what do i do
by ?
Friday February 23, 2024 15:04
Ibon on twitter
what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do.
i've never been in this much pain for this long before. i cant sit at my desk. i haven't been able to sit at my desk in a week. which means i don't have access to one of the things that makes me want to stay alive. i can't even focus enough to watch youtube or movies or tv. which means each day i just wait endlessly for sleep. my lip is sweating.
what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do.
my roommate's dog barks when they aren't home, around 2 or 3pm every day. i've already been bitter that he takes up a lot of the couch so only one person can sit with him. you can't even lay on the couch with him. i spent a year and a half laying on that couch every day and it made it feel less bad on days i couldn't do anything but lay down. but since i can't lay on the couch because he's taking up the space, on days i can't sit up, i can't sit with him, so he will keep barking for an hour. the only song i can bear to listen to right now is forever by mother mother, probably because it's already thoughts i have, but it restricts it to the least harmful one. so i put on my headphones and listen to that on max volume to drown it out so i hopefully don't have a meltdown on top of the pain.
what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do.
i have to go get groceries. i'm having my roommate drive my car so i can lean back and put less pressure on my abdomen. i'm worried i won't be able to walk for long. i'm heating up and i'm worried i'm feverish because stomach pain + fever = emergency and i do not want to go to the doctor. my partner has been trying to get me to go to the doctor for a while. i don't have the energy to discuss the specific reasons why that's hard but the medical trauma is real, and it's compounded by many doctors not taking covid seriously. but -
the dog keeps barking and i cannot think. and so i have to push through cutting pain to try to calm him down. i might not be able to make it to grocery shopping because of how often i've had to get up to try to calm him down.
what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do.