the light
by nuu
Sunday March 31, 2024 21:56
Donya @antiquedeuce on twitter
i'm out of practice of keeping up with the blog, but i need it. i feel like i should take journaling to a journal, but... whatever. i'm already here lol. i've started getting optimistic again. I don't have as much energy, but i think i'm in the state of mind to start building it.
i had a lovely time with my partner yesterday, felt very connected, but also very outgoing. i was talking to them about things we want to do in the upcoming year so we could look for events and stuff. i spent the last year very disillusioned with society for its lack of public health care, but i'm going to start chasing community care every way i can. i'm going to find all the fun things i can do that have air purifiers and masks required and/or handed out. i'm going to make a bunch of friends. but also i think i'm going to make a point of wearing cute outfits while masked and take pictures and post them. i think there's something to be said about glamorization of things, but it can be effective. why not take marketing techniques and utilize them for community care?
oh i just got a message from someone i havent talked to in a year or so. it's always a sign to me that things are going better when people i haven't heard from in a while reach out again.
but anyway. i started making a calendar for covid safer events. im trying to get in the practice of reading for fun again so i can start reading books i've been meaning to read for a while about disability justice. i decided to DNF She Is A Haunting because I was having trouble getting through it. i want to read it, maybe i'll come back. i started an audiobook called The Hunt by Andrew Fukuda to fall asleep. i'll add it to my book page if i read more. it's interesting, lol, i did a random results search on libby and that was the first result. it's about a human kid in a vampire society trying to fit to survive (high stakes). it feels very autism-coded.
also update on what's going on with me, i guess. i'm trying to motivate myself into applying for the two jobs i've found. i'm scared i wont be able to do them, but i think it's worth it to apply and figure it out later. it's just very hard to get over this hurdle rn. i've been in freeze/shutdown for a while and it's gonna take a lot to get myself regulated again. but i just have to remind myself i need to be in fight/flight first! i always run back to freeze because flight/fight is scary. but it's on the way to regulation so.
oh and also, i'm making a webcomic. i'll link to it later once i start publishing it, it might be in a couple months. but i want to make a story about two people escaping their abuser, and focus on surviving ptsd and disability through camaraderie and community. plus colonialism's effects on my cultures, and how abuse replicates colonialism in smaller scale - so mutually caring relationships are revolutionary. they're big ideas that i'm nervous to put myself in a position to talk about because i dont feel like i have the authority... but i've learned a lot from my own experience, and i think just focusing on my experiences and unraveling how they're tied in with everything could be very valuable to put out into the world. and helpful for myself.
i also have been working on a shit ton of yarn projects. mostly crochet, but i also started visibly mending my socks with some yarn. i started with my favorite socks which may have been a risk lol but they have a BUNCH of holes so i think it's good practice. i'm also in the middle of like 10 crochet pieces at once. mostly because when i'm in a bad state, i need to have a lot of options. but maybe i'm in a mindset where i can start finishing things again. i have something that was meant to be a christmas present for my mom and lol it's almost april. i have something i wanted to give to my friend last september. i have a bunch of silly hats i want to incoporate into my wardrobe.
i guess that's the other thing. i'm finding my authenticity lately. but i think the thing about it that's scary is that now that i know exactly what it looks like, and i know that it's very nonconforming, although it would be safer to hide it again, it would be too cruel. and so i have no choice but to chase it.
my mom sent me money for easter and she said to get treats, but maybe i buy bleach and hairdye lol. maybe it's time. also i couldn't decide between blue and pink, but now im thinking mostly blue with pink ends! that would be very fun.
ok i think im done here. i dont know what to do next, but i have to pee. maybe i finish a crochet project and clean up my resume so i can submit to the jobs this week. i love you.