spoiled burden
somdy and kevin
Friday April 12, 2024 18:11
@yesterdhir on twitter
there's a lot rattling around in my head right now. trying to ignore whatever in my mind and/or body is screaming to have kids right now despite no capactiy to (physically, financially, mentally/emotionally), all the art projects i want to do and all the physical and mental disabilities preventing me from doing them right now, how i've never been properly diagnosed with anything since having ptsd because all the healthcare professionals just blame things on that and it doesn't help my case at all that i have so many things wrong with my body so i just have to pick and choose what to focus on each time i see a doctor and then everyone in my life gets mad at me for not bringing it up with the doctor even though they haven't had to deal with the level of minimization that i have, and how i just feel so trapped right now... i have some kind of intense avoidance around leaving the apartment that i've suspected is agoraphobia because i've had this issue even before i had ptsd, but no one will diagnose me because i have ptsd lol. it's more manageable with a car because a car becomes an extension of my safe spaces, but my car isnt working right now and i dunno i forgot how hard the two years were that i lived alone, states away from my family, without access to a car. i would spend weeks without stepping outside of my apartment and i had garbage gathering and so many bugs.... i get nightmares about maggots.
i don't know what to do. i've been trying to talk myself through the dependence i'm forced into. i want to work, i want to earn income, i want to manage my expenses and buy things that will help me. and just nice things. but i can't work. and for the past... decade really, i've been really hard on myself about that. i keep trying to push through, to find things i can do and then i focus on it, and then i burn myself out. but. i dunno. i'm lucky in that i have a parent who can provide for me. and i keep thinking about the people who say they would kill for that, and then talk about the things they wish they could do in those circumstances. and i dunno. i just feel like a spoiled brat, a dirty trust fund baby. i'm not lol. but i don't think people know that. despite how much money my mom makes, i have very little access to that money. she and my sister shop for expensive clothes every month and i try to make approximately $400 a month stretch across groceries for me and my roommates (and one can't afford to contribute towards our food), bills (and i frequently cover that roommate), food and litter for my cat, gas, and medical expenses. since i lost my job, i'd been putting a lot of grocery and therapy expenses on my credit card, but i maxed it out because i was unemployed for way longer than i thought i'd be. i spent a lot more on food than i anticipated because i lost the capacity to cook and needed ready made gluten free meals. gluten free food is so fucking expensive. my cat was supposed to get dental treatment 6 months ago and i've been putting it off because i can't afford it. i asked to get her bill covered for christmas and my mom was like no, it needs to be something fun.
i want my cat's teeth to not rot, i want to go to therapy at least once a month, i want to be able to go to the doctor and have medication that works. but since i can't do any of the things that people who would kill to be in my circumstances want to do, i feel so ungrateful and spoiled.
we live in hell. we live in hell. everyone should have housing, food, and healthcare for free. why is that such an extreme idea? why do people think it exploits people? the world we live in now exploits people and doesn't care that they die alone on the street because they're barred from basic human needs. the stigma is that if you don't have a job, if you need assistance, if you're disabled, if you're fucking unhoused, you're lazy, you're a burden, you're using others. i can't get that messaging out of my head. i feel so lazy and burdensome and manipulative. i'm not i'm not i'm not.
my partner asked why i can't just treat myself like a baby if i want one so bad and know i can't have one/want to not want one. i keep trying. and i keep neglecting myself because that's the way my parents raised me.