origin story pt 1

by nuu and somdy

Friday January 26, 2024 21:26



I don't know, I just wanted to write here again. Don't really have much to say. ...Or, I dunno if I'm just holding back. I'm anxious about a gathering with friends. My roommates say if I mask it would be helpful, and then extra layers of protection would be to bring my air purifier, which is scary because it's big and clunky and very noticeable, and to offer them masks. My roommate will even give me the KN95s to offer them. And...I dunno, I would like to trust that these people would be open to it, but I'm anxious about it.

I listen to youtube pick-a-card tarot readings when I try to sleep. Often I fall asleep pretty immediately, but when I can't sleep, they at least kind of ease my anxiety, or help me think through things, so I can fall asleep later. Anyway, the last one I listened to, I couldn't sleep for most of it, and basically the whole time they were repeating that I need to ask for help, and I need to trust that people can and will help me. ...That's fucking scary lmao.

But...yeah, I dunno. I told my partner, and they said it's alright and they'll see me Sunday. I dunno if they interpreted it as me deciding not to go and I wasn't clear, but. I'm just kind of giving up. I really wanted to go, but. Yeah... Let me just find a twitter thread that has already worded how I feel because I can't right now. It just seems like it's not worth it for other people to look out for me and my roommates and that being disabled means I will just always be abandoned.

Screenshot 1 of 3 from a twitter thread from user Julie at username jubunnies. Met a friend for coffee & a walk. She said 'we missed you over Christmas, but I know you didn't want to come to the meetup.' My friend has been quote 'back to normal' since 2021. I have a lot of feelings. I kept quiet to keep the peace, but I actually DID want to go!!! I actually DID want to see my friends! The problem was they were meeting inside. The way she framed it, as me quote 'not wanting to go' end quote, makes me so sad. I did want to go! I just also wanted to be safe. If they'd done a New Year's walk, I'd have gone. But no, it had to be a lunch in a restaurant on a Saturday. Added to this is the fact that she did not once ask how my dad is. My dad's really unwell, and my friend is aware of this, so it hurts that she didn't ask. I guess because she (like a lot of people) tends to shy away from difficult topics. One of the many reasons I still mask is to protect my dad, and in solidarity with him. It has become automatic, it is just part of how I am. Like putting on a hat when it's cold out. I just mask.
Screenshot 2 of 3 of twitter thread from Julie at jubunnies. So not only does my friend get to walk around thinking that I just didn't WANT to go to the lunch, but she also doesn't have to be troubled by how things are with my dad. Yeah, I get it, this is not a real friend. A real friend does not mind the difficult conversations. A real friend wants to hear what's REALLY going on, not just the good stuff. A good friend will be there laughing and being silly but also there when you're crying or angry. A recent example was when I was rambling about all the things happening with me, everything I was feeling, & then I felt self-conscious & said 'sorry I'm rambling.' & my BFF said 'please, keep talking. I am here.' This is how to be a good friend. Not only do we have to navigate this weird world trying to avoid infection (for all sorts of reasons!!), but we also have to deal with people reframing our behaviour as quote 'something we want' or 'anxiety'. It is not either of these fucking things.
Screenshot 3 of 3 of twitter thread from Julie at jubunnies. If we have this kind of surface-level friendship, I can put on a brave face & laugh with you. We had a nice walk. But I will cry when I get home. Because I realise how separate we are, and you will never see it. End.
original thread from Julie @jubunnies

(sidenote, I always say this, but my cat is very good at her job. I started crying, not even audibly and she came up to me meowing and headbutting my hands. She didn't let me type so I sat up and she's laying down against my back lol)

Anyway. It feels relevant now to talk about some trauma lol. It's where my PTSD formed. I won't go into detail, but I'll include a trigger warning just in case.



TW for SA mention, yelling, misogyny, slut shaming, minimizing.


// TW begins here //

When I was in my sophomore year of high school, I was SA'ed by my boyfriend of the time, who I'll call Mark. My dad yelled at me when he picked me up because my hair was messy and our eyes looked tired and he said it was obvious we were up to something and it made him "look bad." I didn't bother to fix my hair because I was trying to get out of there as fast as possible. He kept yelling the whole drive home, and then he yelled for a while at home, waking my mom and sister up who were both napping on the couch. He kept telling them to look at me and see what I did. I hid in the bathroom for maybe an hour or two, waiting for him to tire himself out and go to bed. I didn't tell my friends about that, but I told them what happened with Mark, and I was so confused that they were excited for me. I didn't identify it as SA, I was just describing the events, but I definitely was not excited about it. But since everyone I told responded that way, I tried to feel that way too. It took a month for me to process that actually I felt really unsafe around Mark, and I decided to break up with him. I went to my coach for advice on breaking up and I remember him asking "did Mark do something bad?" and I nodded and he sighed. He said I don't have to tell Mark why, but he knew Mark is the kind of person who would probably keep asking me about it and it would probably help us both. So I wrote a letter. It was very vague and I tried so hard to avoid blaming him or anything. ... Okay lol I'm getting triggered now so I'll stop but basically for a year after that, I tried to reach out for help while also still like defending and protecting him, and I was dismissed and mimimized by most people, or in the case of a couple people, they then told me about similar things that happened to them and then I was in a position where I was always helping them and never the other way around. I didn't get actual help for a while.

// TW ends here //



Whew. Okay. Lore drop #1 right there lol. I'm gonna cry a little bit about missing the birthday, but then I'll have some good food and hang out with my roommates. Building community is always scary because of trauma, but what am I to do when my current community may not be able to help with it...and may even be feeding into it?

next blog post jan 27, 2024 "ya no pude más"

previous blog post jan 26, 2024 "still here (broken parts club)"

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