I don't know, I just wanted to write here again. Don't really have much to say. ...Or, I dunno if I'm just holding back. I'm anxious about a gathering with friends. My roommates say if I mask it would be helpful, and then extra layers of protection would be to bring my air purifier, which is scary because it's big and clunky and very noticeable, and to offer them masks. My roommate will even give me the KN95s to offer them. And...I dunno, I would like to trust that these people would be open to it, but I'm anxious about it.
I listen to youtube pick-a-card tarot readings when I try to sleep. Often I fall asleep pretty immediately, but when I can't sleep, they at least kind of ease my anxiety, or help me think through things, so I can fall asleep later. Anyway, the last one I listened to, I couldn't sleep for most of it, and basically the whole time they were repeating that I need to ask for help, and I need to trust that people can and will help me. ...That's fucking scary lmao.
But...yeah, I dunno. I told my partner, and they said it's alright and they'll see me Sunday. I dunno if they interpreted it as me deciding not to go and I wasn't clear, but. I'm just kind of giving up. I really wanted to go, but. Yeah... Let me just find a twitter thread that has already worded how I feel because I can't right now. It just seems like it's not worth it for other people to look out for me and my roommates and that being disabled means I will just always be abandoned.
original thread from Julie @jubunnies
(sidenote, I always say this, but my cat is very good at her job. I started crying, not even audibly and she came up to me meowing and headbutting my hands. She didn't let me type so I sat up and she's laying down against my back lol)
Anyway. It feels relevant now to talk about some trauma lol. It's where my PTSD formed. I won't go into detail, but I'll include a trigger warning just in case.
// TW begins here //
When I was in my sophomore year of high school, I was SA'ed by my boyfriend of the time, who I'll call Mark. My dad yelled at me when he picked me up because my hair was messy and our eyes looked tired and he said it was obvious we were up to something and it made him "look bad." I didn't bother to fix my hair because I was trying to get out of there as fast as possible. He kept yelling the whole drive home, and then he yelled for a while at home, waking my mom and sister up who were both napping on the couch. He kept telling them to look at me and see what I did. I hid in the bathroom for maybe an hour or two, waiting for him to tire himself out and go to bed. I didn't tell my friends about that, but I told them what happened with Mark, and I was so confused that they were excited for me. I didn't identify it as SA, I was just describing the events, but I definitely was not excited about it. But since everyone I told responded that way, I tried to feel that way too. It took a month for me to process that actually I felt really unsafe around Mark, and I decided to break up with him. I went to my coach for advice on breaking up and I remember him asking "did Mark do something bad?" and I nodded and he sighed. He said I don't have to tell Mark why, but he knew Mark is the kind of person who would probably keep asking me about it and it would probably help us both. So I wrote a letter. It was very vague and I tried so hard to avoid blaming him or anything. ... Okay lol I'm getting triggered now so I'll stop but basically for a year after that, I tried to reach out for help while also still like defending and protecting him, and I was dismissed and mimimized by most people, or in the case of a couple people, they then told me about similar things that happened to them and then I was in a position where I was always helping them and never the other way around. I didn't get actual help for a while.
// TW ends here //
Whew. Okay. Lore drop #1 right there lol. I'm gonna cry a little bit about missing the birthday, but then I'll have some good food and hang out with my roommates. Building community is always scary because of trauma, but what am I to do when my current community may not be able to help with it...and may even be feeding into it?