anger is a 13 year old in all black and heavy eyeliner
by noe
Tuesday February 6, 2024 02:03
Dame Aylin! I love her for being a lovely moon lesbian AND sword lesbian but she thwarted my plans like crazy and made me so mad and now she is my rival (in a shounen anime way)
Hmm, I surprised myself realizing I'm Noe today. I think Nuu and I are very similar so it's hard to tell, but I think I'm the part of them that they protect the most. Like there are certain negative emotions everyone tends to bury down like sadness and anger and fear, and forms of those have certainly been sectioned off to grow into their own parts, but Nuu is very protective of their joy and happiness, and so I am like their shadow. But I am the more geeky, artistic, excitable part of them.
One ex described us as having an inner light instead of an inner darkness like a lot of people have. We've held onto that for years now trying to understand what he meant, because he's one of maybe a handful of people who have really known us well - although we must have changed a lot since high school. Or maybe not at all.
But I made a song the other day. I'd like to share it here but I'd have to get a supporter account. Also if I did it'd probably have to be without the full title because I want to eventually share it on my main accounts, and it's a long string of words that are probably easily searchable. I want to keep this separate from my like public facing socials and websites because I try to keep it semi-professional over there, like at least with things I'm okay with colleagues seeing. I don't mind if people who read this first or people who I choose to show know what my main stuff are, but I don't want people there to find my system diaries here. We've only just started to track switches and what certain parts feel like, because we don't filter anything here and I don't want to lose that.
The full title though is kind of the vibe I want to give. I'll just say it's inspired by a certain fight scene in a certain action movie franchise involving a man whose wife and dog were killed. I love the music as Neo hunts down Theon Greyjoy and I made an angry song thinking about doing that to the boys who messed with me at college parties.
But more anger was unlocked tonight when playing Baldur's Gate 3 with my friends and a friendly NPC kept shoving me to wake me up while I was trying to use a potion of angelic slumber to regain spell slots in a boss fight even though I had sanctuary cast on myself... Like that infuriated me. And then afterwards I went to the magic mirror and changed my character's hair and makeup to all be dark and dyed my clothes black. And I play a cleric but started looking up fighting cleric builds so I can start a new solo playthrough with the sole goal of fighting her. Which is hilarious when I step outside of myself but it also feels really good to connect with anger again.
Actually, anger for us has a name, and his name is Mai, and he's 13 years old and afraid, but he has some powerful things to express if we give him a safe space to, and I think I can do that with the art. We'll work together. And that's healing, baby.