burden
by somdy
Wednesday February 7, 2024 04:35
The Bare Necessities from The Jungle Book
TW self deprecation, self hatred, feeling like a burden, owing family for care, medical neglect, medical trauma, passive suicidal ideation
I am the idiot with the painted face / In the corner taking up space
I feel like a piece of shit again. I've been pushing myself harder lately because I feel like resources are wasted on me unless I can produce good enough things. Which is a hell of a thing to believe, and was something I wouldn't admit to myself, but knew for years. Ever since I was in elementary school, I planned my future around how to pay back my parents for... having and raising me. I shouldn't need to pay them back, it was their decision to have me, but I feel the weight of it all the same. Honestly, I feel that pressure to my extended family as well, and that might be part of why I avoid interacting with them. I feel that pressure towards my partner's family, and that's part of why I avoid them. I don't feel like I can pay anyone back. I don't feel like it's worthwhile for them to take care of me.
But I know that's a shitty thing to believe. It's just that I can't shake it.
I don't want to go into it too much right now. I know where it comes from. I saw it in my mom's behavior. I felt resentment from my dad (real or imagined, I don't know, but I felt it all the same).
It always surprises me when people go to the doctor. I've been dealing with a lot of pain for over a decade now but it's been dismissed, and it's been treated as wasting money. I try not to think about the instances that locked the mentality that I shouldn't go to the doctor unless I'm dying, and probably even if I'm dying, in my head. But even trying to fight those beliefs in myself because even on the chance that there was in fact nothing wrong years ago, there has to be something wrong now. It is so much worse. But I'm not ready to advocate for myself and push back against doctors and nurses. Or I'm not ready to fawn to them when I'm in their care so they won't hurt me. Or I just can't make it out of the house alone.
I don't know. I'm struggling to cook and eat. I keep falling asleep around noon and waking up late in the evening, which gives me so little time to talk to my partner each day. I miss the sunlight. I'm having frustrations after upgrading some parts to my PC, like my second monitor isn't getting signal anymore, I can't access an important program I use for art, I have to buy windows again.
I just... I dunno. I would like to cease to exist.
But then there's the guilt. Because I helped organize my grandma's and cousin's funerals, I know how much work it is. I know how expensive it is. I've seen way grief can look in parents who've lost a kid, and I've seen my mom's grief. At least now I can trust she has someone to rely on other than me, but I still can't do that to her. And I don't trust most people to know how to support others in hard times.
There's also the guilt that I'm not properly using the resources I have access to. Since I left my last job due to burnout and my health declining about 8 months ago, my mom and partner have been taking care of me. They pay for my rent and bills and gas and food. And I- Ok, I don't "do nothing." Let me catch myself before I say that. I rest. I try to recover but I'm not sure if there's a possibility of that. I look for jobs and apply, I took a game development class, I've been working on my art and making games, and I'm currently working on my 4th game jam. I'm doing things! I'm doing a lot.
I am not earning money. And to me that is categorized as "doing nothing." Doing nothing to contribute, is probably the fuller idea. And I know that's part of the capitalist propaganda, that you must "contribute" to society by working and making money and paying your bills and food and buying things and whatever. I know the life I want everyone to have is to live in connectivity and community where food, water, shelter, warmth, and care are all already provided at no cost. I want everything to be able to function even if no one works, so no one has to work, but also I trust that people will want to.
I want to live cared for by my community and not have to work. Not have to make money to have a safe space to live, have food and clean water and clean air all provided for, and just be able to make art for the rest of my life.
I need art to live. I need to make art to live. I am the kind of artist where if I have something blocking my ability to make art, I am in very real danger.
And so why can't I appreciate that I am cared for? Why am I so stuck in this idea of "deservedness"?
No one really deserves better things than other people. But everyone deserves the best society can provide. That's what I think.
I guess I feel like anything that goes to me is taken away from someone else. I don't know how true that is.
But I am hungry so I must eat. My cat cries and scratches everything until she can sit in my lap, so I must stay. And everything will keep going whether I am here or not, but if I can help make things a little better, then I must do all I can. It is that simple.