unknown
by Kevin
Sunday February 18, 2024 06:57
Bottling Sunshine on Twitter
I hate everyone.
I can't say that I really, really try to get along with everybody, because I don't go out of my way to interact with people... But I certainly am already pushing myself past my limits and it makes it so embarassing that it's not enough.
I want to make a better future, I want to see things better for the kids today and the kids of the future, but I can't even try. And that's embarrassing. But I also know it's because of unmet needs. But that's also embarrassing.
Living with people is making me process what it was like when I was a kid. I wasn't allowed to show any emotion if it wasn't just (quiet) happiness. I could never be in the way or have my own opinion. My parents called me shy, but they didn't let me speak for myself. The only place I felt safe was in the bathroom because that was the only place I could lock the door.
I guess that's why it frustrates me so much when my cat demands the door to be open when I'd like to be unbothered in my room. I have a curtain in front of my door as a compromise, so I can have some privacy but she can still come and go. But I've settled now into a more consistent sleep schedule, even though it's the strange hours of 2pm to 10pm, and she will sleep until I wake up.
I feel like I don't have anything important to say. I just. I don't want anything to do with anyone. I want to be left alone. I like the quiet of being the only one awake at night. It's like living alone, but I can still split chores.
Yeah... I dunno. I dunno. I can tell I'm in some kind of decline again because I couldn't even watch Spencer videos or listen to music. I sat in silence for 6 hours trying to do art, and then I fucked some stuff up and had to step away before I got too upset.
Now my roommate and their partner who's staying the weekend are awake and I just want to run away. I don't like when my roommate has people over because the people all try to be friendly and talk to me. My roommates kind of more talk at me, it's like we update each other throughout the day instead of asking questions. Lately I hate answering questions. I want to be unknown.
I wish I could disappear.