knock knock, open up (your heart)
by nuu
Saturday February 3, 2024 03:53
by u/PixelDanc3r on reddit
It is time to make some art. Like really make some art. I've learned that I don't feel alive, can't enjoy being alive, unless I'm actively making art. So now I have to chase it with everything I can.
My partner said something about expressing your pain through your art so you can let go of it, even for a moment. And that reminds me of this post I saved a while ago that I can hopefully find in my screenshots folder that said you have to find a place for your pain outside of your body before it tears you apart.
I don't even know how to go about making art with my pain, but I need to try. I have to. I don't know how much longer I can go on this way. I need to make monsters and visually nauseating things and images that make people want to turn away. I need to make stories about loss and grief and anger and madness and disability and losing yourself and losing time and being left behind. I need to make characters not meant to be liked. Because those are the most comforting things to me.
I also need to read again. I feel my child self starting to awaken from hibernation again and she wants to read. But she also wants to read sad things. We are very picky about books, which is partially why I stopped reading, but in looking for the screenshot I found a list of books people recommended to read if you like Harry Potter (The Poppy War series by R F Kuang, King Killer Chronicles, The Mirror Visitor's Saga, Scholomance by Naomi Novik, Magicians Series by Lev Grossman, Akata Witch by Nnedi Okorafor, Eragon, The Charlie Bone book series, SOULLESS Parasol Protectorate Series by Gail Carriger, The Golden Compass series, Bartimaeus, Black Magician's Guild, The Shades of Magic, and Ursula LeGuin's Earthsea Quartet). Maybe I'll start like book club section on my site for a bit of accountability/motivation to keep reading. I used to be a book kid. I would read 8 hours in one day sometimes. I want that again.
Also, sidenote I guess because it's just on my mind. I thought I was a lesbian for a few years but I'm suddenly drawn to white men again. I don't know if it's a weird trauma or comphet thing, or if it's some kind of gender admiration (as opposed to gender envy because I don't know if I necessarily feel envious) that feels like attraction. But... Just wanted to put it somewhere so I don't feel trapped with it lol. I'm particularly admiring of Spencer Agnew from Smosh... I don't know why. Maybe I want to be like him. Maybe I just find him really cool and capable. But that's a thing. He was in my dream a few days ago.
Just real quick, the dream was a bunch of people visiting me at my house all together, like maybe a group of 15 with friends, aquaintances, my old boss, and Spencer Agnew. They were concerned that no one has seen me or talked to me in months since I left my job and wanted to make sure I was doing okay and if they can do anything for me. I remember asking them to mask, but I don't remember if they did. I just remember feeling really anxious and self conscious about it. And then I was kind of awkwardly following them walking around my house. I felt exposed in my struggle with messy piles of stuff and unwashed dishes, but then they started helping me. And then at some point I was latched on to Spencer Agnew's arm and talking to him with our heads very close to each other. It felt very safe and intimate. I think I am missing those relationships I had with guys in high school. Some of them saw me as a girl and were attracted to me and would express it later which always made me uncomfortable. But I liked when they had that kind of close and touchy relationship with their guy friends too and I could fit in with all of them. It's very hard to find friendships like that, but I think I've at least found something similar with my partner's friends, who have adopted me as one of their friends too. They all express loving each other and hug each other warmly. I've held back from them a lot out of trauma and fear that I might one day break up with my partner, but I'm getting to the point where I think my partner and I will be together for a lot of our lives, and where I know I and my childhood self wanted friendships like this for so long.
I think it's time to let them in.
Open Up (열어줘) by Team Knock (Produce 101 Season 2) performance
Lyrics, english translation