a message from Darling - July 29, 2024 14:24 This is Somdy relaying a message for Darling. Here you go: Hello all. It's been months since any of us have written here. It's been even more since I've said anything! Either she forgot or wasn't aware, but Somdy was trying to introduce me lol. I've already been here before! I just wanted to say hello again. Things aren't going well. Somdy doesn't like that I've said that, but she is choosing to ... more

the knot - may 8, 2024 02:31 I am losing my mind. I think there is merit to it though, in going mad... I am trying to get myself to feel that though, to really believe it. Because I need to let go. I think I am seeing too much. I understand a little bit maybe why people would not want to know what's going on in the world... Would not want to hear about genocide and their complicity in mass disability and death... Would not want to unravel the truth in anything Because then you soon find ... more

let this radicalize you - april 27, 2024 15:32 It took some time, but I have found my way. I've been reading Let This Radicalize You... I've been reading it very slowly, over the course of almost a year, due to brain fog and fatigue. But I've been reading it. I finally got to the chapter I knew I needed when I started, on grief and hope, and I've been taking a break since then. I attended a webinar through Northwestern University that Mariame Kaba and Kelly Hayes spoke at on lessons ... more

spoiled burden - april 12, 2024 18:11 there's a lot rattling around in my head right now. trying to ignore whatever in my mind and/or body is screaming to have kids right now despite no capactiy to (physically, financially, mentally/emotionally), all the art projects i want to do and all the physical and mental disabilities preventing me from doing them right now, how i've never been properly diagnosed with anything since having ptsd because all the healthcare professionals ... more

deserving - april 11, 2024 00:41 trigger warning: SA/rape mention, death (family and pet), medical neglect there is something to be said about the last year being one of the worst in my life. but i can't decide if it's 2023 that's the worst, or 2021, when i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, was in an abusive living situation for a month, my parents split up, 3 people close to me died, and a guy i trusted raped me a day after a funeral. its redeeming factor is that i met my... more

the light - april 3, 2024 04:22 i'm in distress. no matter how good the day goes, when everyone goes to sleep and it's just me and the pets and the bugs that roam our apartment, - i am a haunted body, a ghost among the living, a haunted house filled with ghosts cosplaying as a person, - i don't know who june is. we've never met her bef- i am the shadows that gather- no, jk. i'm 17 and i've made tentative friends with the dark because she's the only one i can let hold me. it was never really the dark ... more

the light - march 31, 2024 21:56 i'm out of practice of keeping up with the blog, but i need it. i feel like i should take journaling to a journal, but... whatever. i'm already here lol. i've started getting optimistic again. I don't have as much energy, but i think i'm in the state of mind to start building it. i had a lovely time with my partner yesterday, felt very connected, but also very outgoing. i was talking to them about things we want to do in the upcoming year so we could ... more

recovering - march 25, 2024 21:30 It's been a while. The body has been in a lot of pain, and we've spent the last month recovering. or. it feels like we've lost the last month to pain and fatigue and brain fog. On the days we have more pain, we dissociate more, which means that time is just lost to us. It feels like everything has been put on pause for 2 months, which is really frustrating. We were working so hard in January. We joined 3 game jams. But then at the end of January... more

it's my birthday and i'm thinking about dying - march 1, 2024 20:16 tw severe pain, medical gaslighting, pain minimization, suicidality, thinking about death it's my birthday today. i'm 25 now. i was determined to make it an actual good birthday. i was having trouble planning because i don't really know anyone who masks and takes precautions so i wouldn't be able to have food like i like with people. so i was thinking maybe just my roommates and my partner. but i've been so wiped out just from pain this week. it's been level 8 or 9 pain... more

what do i do - feb 23, 2024 15:04 what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. i've never been in this much pain for this long before. i cant sit at my desk. i haven't been able to sit at my desk in a week. which means i don't have access to one of the things that makes me want to stay alive. i can't even focus enough to watch youtube or movies or tv. which means each day i just wait endlessly for sleep. my lip is sweating. what do... more

pain - february 21, 2024 11:06 i am in pain. i have been in pain. i even took 2 extra strength pain killers because i felt it coming but it still hurts so much i'm lightheaded. i was honest to my mom for the first time about how bad my pain and fatigue has been. i don't know why i'm so protective of it. i don't know if it's shame or embarassment or fear of judgment or like i'm trying to shield other people from it or. maybe i've given up. part of it is definitely that i hate ... more

unknown - february 18, 2024 06:57 I hate everyone. I can't say that I really, really try to get along with everybody, because I don't go out of my way to interact with people... But I certainly am already pushing myself past my limits and it makes it so embarassing that it's not enough. I want to make a better future, I want to see things better for the kids today and the kids of the future, but I can't even try. And that's embarrassing. But I also know it's because of unmet needs. But that's also ... more

home(land + diaspora) - february 17, 2024 03:10 TW diaspora experience, genocide, covid, bombing, Vietnam War, Operation Barrel Roll in Laos, current Palestine genocide // I don't know if this is true or not, but it feels like the longest I've gone without touching my site so far. I tried to write a blog post a couple days ago as I processed a document that's supposed to equip you with the tools to talk to your loved ones about taking covid precautions, but.. I kind of broke down and spiraled for a bit. I was up until maybe 4pm or ... more

chạy ngay đi - february 13, 2024 05:18 TW childhood trauma, pet death, SA, toxic relationships // i'm definitely doing some rough inner child healing stuff rn. it's a bit overwhelming. ok so like, i'm watching mommy & me vietnamese ep 2 and i get to the part where they have a group of kids singing the tones. and then i started fucking crying lol. i had to stop the episode and im just listening to all my liked songs ... more

spencer/spider - february 11, 2024 11:35 Hallo. This will be real short today because I'm tired and dysregulated and will try to sleep real soon, but I've been watching a playlist of all the Smosh videos Spencer Agnew is in and I keep thinking about this video where he was introduced with the fact that people used to think his name was Spider because he introduced himself very quietly as a kid 😭 I was also a very quiet kid, and was often nonverbal (I've wondered ... more

Chúc Mừng Năm Mới! - february 10, 2024 01:11 Happy Lunar New Year!! My mom always told me that how you spend LNY is how you spend the rest of the year so I'm trying to think now about how I want to spend the year ahead... I want to have sweet treats. I want to rest. I want to spend time with my partner. I want to make art. I want to work on my websites. I want to read. I want to watch Smosh and Dimension 20 ... more

học tiếng việt - february 9, 2024 06:05 Tôi học tiếng việt! I saw a tiktok of a toddler speaking vietnamese and I was surprised I understood without subtitles. I know baby speak I guess lol. But listening to Mỹ Anh I've been feeling like I want to learn Vietnamese this year. Like really study it. I studied the alphabet and pronunciation in 2017 and I can pronounce things alright by reading it, but I don't have enough knowledge to listen and speak. So I guess that's a New Year's Resolution. And no one tell me it's late, Lunar New Year ... more

hunger - february 7, 2024 07:55 I am so hungry. My body is weak. My body is always weak. I can't stand long enough to cook anything. I can't even sit up long enough so that I may try to cook something. All I can do is lay down and cry. and cry and cry. And that's all I can do many days. And I'm tired. I push myself too hard and I don't do much. I pushed myself too hard this week playing Baldur's Gate 3 with my friends and trying to do more art I enjoy and making simple meals. I showered once at some point in the last week, but I stink ... more

burden - february 7, 2024 04:35 full TW in post, includes feeling like a burden, medical neglect, passive suicidal ideation // I feel like a piece of shit again. I've been pushing myself harder lately because I feel like resources are wasted on me unless I can produce good enough things. Which is a hell of a thing to believe, and was something I wouldn't admit to myself, but knew for years. Ever since I was in elementary school, I planned my future around ... more

anger is a 13 year old in all black and heavy eyeliner - february 6, 2024 02:03 Hmm, I surprised myself realizing I'm Noe today. I think Nuu and I are very similar so it's hard to tell, but I think I'm the part of them that they protect the most. Like there are certain negative emotions everyone tends to bury down like sadness and anger and fear, and forms of those have certainly been sectioned off to grow into their own parts, but Nuu is very protective of their joy ... more

magical girls and vampires and game jams - february 5, 2024 03:30 Checking in today!! I'm not even sure who I am today, sometimes I'm not sure until after I finish the blog post. I've been looking at other people's websites and now that I've been working on this website for a week+, I'm better able to understand HTML and CSS, so I think it's time to bump the complexity a little! I really like a scrapbook look, where it looks like paper and things taped on ... more

taste in men - february 4, 2024 07:00 Now introducing Darling! I thought I would hang back for longer, but we decided to listen to Kim Petras's TURN OFF THE LIGHT album. And something about it! For those following along at home, we have just moved into Massacre, which has been on a playlist we've been listening to quite frequently since late spring/early summer-ish of 2022. We revisited that playlist and decided to listen to the entire album again, and now we've returned to the song. I know the entire system has been having a lot of frustration for a couple years for not knowing how to express ourselves ... more

knock knock, open up (your heart) - february 3, 2024 03:53 It is time to make some art. Like really make some art. I've learned that I don't feel alive, can't enjoy being alive, unless I'm actively making art. So now I have to chase it with everything I can. My partner said something about expressing your pain through your art so you can let go of it, even for a moment. And that reminds me of this post I saved a while ago that I can hopefully find in my screenshots folder that ... more

family - february 1, 2024 04:17 I'm not really liking other people right now. One of my roommates will be away for a few days which will kind of help. Having more alone time in the apartment while both roommates are at work kind of helps. Because as it turns out, I need to talk out loud to my self/selves to regulate in some capacity and I am not comfortable doing that when other people are in earshot. I was going to write but I think I'm just going to ... more

em ơi - january 31, 2024 08:56 I woke up at 4am today after falling asleep sometime between 12:30am and 1am, and I guess I'm up for the day. I was initially going to talk about things that are stressing me right now, but I shut down for maybe 10 minutes after trying to think about how to word them. So I'll talk about the things I'm excited about instead. The announcement for the finalists for a game jam that A and I joined will be announced tomorrow. I've been nervously ... more

invisible (man) (disability) (pain) (child) - january 30, 2024 10:53 CW self hatred // I hate when people ask me how I'm doing because I'm never sure how honest to be. Yesterday, I opted for "how am I? Um, haha, LOL," which received "so true bestie" and "mood" in resonse. When we lived together, Mouse quickly clocked that me saying "LOL" is one of the indicators that I'm in a trauma echo. I didn't even notice, but I would say "LOL" out loud ... more

morning / mourning - january 29, 2024 14:01 TW abuse, family death // i feel like an idiot. part of it is starting a public diary lmao. only one person knows who i am though, so i feel relatively safe, but i feel like there's a chance... today is the first day in a couple months i had a full sleep cycle that allowed me to wake up during the day. i've been sleeping through the day and waking up after sunset for a while. part of that is i've been having a ptsd episode ... more

ya no pude más - january 26, 2024 04:39 あ、、、飲みちゃった。つもりじゃなくて、ルームメイトのラム見た。もうパニックがあって、buildingして、mi pecho 痛かった y ya no pude. i couldn't fight it. então 飲みちゃった、、、no puedo 怒られない at myself。 it's coping, verdad? y ずっと頑張っていた。ずっと。no one can say i didn't。i don't wanna fight no more。じゃあここまでです。i'll be here, but i won't fight it. ya 建前 maintain できない。at least not a ... more

origin story pt 1 - january 26, 2024 21:26 I don't know, I just wanted to write here again. Don't really have much to say. ...Or, I dunno if I'm just holding back. I'm anxious about a gathering with friends. My roommates say if I mask it would be helpful, and then extra layers of protection would be to bring my air purifier, which is scary because it's big and clunky and very noticeable, and to offer them masks. My roommate will even give me the KN95s to offer them ... more

still here (broken parts club) - january 26, 2024 06:11 I don't know if anyone's paying attention here, but we're okay. We went for a drive, like we usually do when things are too much to handle. We drove for 3 hours through a bunch of the neighboring towns and almost got stranded an hour away because we were almost out of gas and couldn't find a pump that was still open at 2am. And then after going to maybe 3 or 4 or 5 gas stations, we found one and put in 5 dollars, just ... more

"i always just thought you wanted to be left alone" - january 26, 2024 00:03 I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I don't even feel like I can talk about it here tbh. But I feel crazy. I feel like everyone thinks I'm crazy. I am trying to protect me and my disabled roommates from getting sick, but I am so tired of being the only person in my social circles making risk assessments about COVID and RSV and all the ... more

what makes a house a home a home a house a home - january 25, 2024 12:18 My heart hurts. I am so tired of everything. I decided to start this because ultimately, I just feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel unheard. And so I create a space in which I can speak and say the things I don't even tell the people closest to me. I guess to start, I'll introduce myself. I'm Somdy (she/her). I am one of several alters in the [redacted] system, which I will ... more